Dear Piper,
I missed you today. Just like every day since you left. However, I felt you today. This may have been the first day that I felt like you were really here. I was peaceful.
JD also must have felt your presence. He did really well today and I'm beginning to relax. They are talking about lowering his breathing support tomorrow because he did so well. They also said they are going to try and deter surgery a couple more weeks on repairing his hernia. The bigger he is? The better.
Piper, I thought of the life you might have had. I sat next to your brother today and I imagined what it would have been like. Of course you were gorgeous. You had amber hair and bright green eyes. Your daddy has green eyes. You were tall. Taller than mommy. Must take after your dads side of the family there, too. You were getting married and were wearing mommy's wedding dress. Oh boy did you look amazing. Your happiness shone through the world. Then I snapped out of my day dream. I realized you would never get the chance to be happy. You would never get married.
I don't know what heaven is like but I would like to imagine that you get to visit the life you should have had. At least then you would know what life is like. I hope God gives you a peek.
I will let you go for now. I miss you and love you more than life!
Love always,
Mommy
Friday, January 16, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
It's been a month...
Dear Piper,
It's been a month since God called you home. I haven't really been able to think about my feelings much. I'm ready to begin. Let me tell you how it started.
Your dad and I always wanted 2 kids. We had a lot of issues and it took a while and a lot of money. On July 14, 2014, we found out we were pregnant. Oh the absolute joy we felt! We made a bet...daddy thought it would be a boy and mommy said girl. If daddy was right, it would be a Cowboys fan and if mommy was right, a Packers fan. I bought a sleeping beauty dress for you after my first doctor appt to verify pregnancy.
We had our first ultrasound early. It was on August 4. Surprise!!! There were 2....baby A was measuring excellent but baby B was an empty sac. The doctor told us it would be a disappearing twin. He scheduled us back to confirm the following week. That is when you decided to come out of hiding. Baby B had a healthy heart beat and was measuring small because you were hiding.
In October we went for an elective ultrasound to find out what you 2 were. Baby A showed his wiener right away. His name, your brother, is Jason-Dean. Next we found out you were our baby girl. We named you Piper.
On November 29, I started cramping. They weren't painful and were so far apart that the doctor told me not to worry. That night I lost my plug. I went to the hospital right away. I was dilated at a 1 but my doctor said that it was common with twins and not to worry. They hooked me onto monitors and determined my cramps were not contractions. I was sent home.
At 12:45 am on November 30, I woke up to your brothers water breaking. My life has not and will never be the same again. I've been scared to death since! I was 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant. That is 17 weeks too early!!! Daddy drove me back to the hospital. The doctor confirmed that my water was broken and I was contracting. He gave me magnesium to stop contractions and steroids to help both of you develop your lungs. We were transferred to a much larger hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit.
Our first goal was to make it 24 hours after the first steroid shot until I could get the second. We made it. Our next goal was to make it 24 more hours to give the second steroid time to take effect. We made it. Our 3rd goal was to make it to 24 weeks where you would both stand a chance at life. We made it. Our final goal was to make it to 25 weeks for a better chance but that didn't happen. At 24 weeks and 1 day, mommy started contracting. The doctors said I had a bad infection that would kill you both so you had to come out. Mommy went for a csection. JD was born 12/7/14 at 10:55 and you at 10:57 am. JD was 1 lb 8 oz and you were 1 lb 6 oz. you came out crying and it was a sound I will always cherish!
They told us not to expect JD to make it...you had a better chance. He lived without his water for a week and also had the bad infection that mommy had. Plus boys don't do as well...they told mommy not to expect him to make it the night. He made it. You were both doing so well! Mommy couldn't see you very much because I kept getting fevers and had to stay away. My fever was finally gone when you both hit 5 days old. I got to change your first poopy diaper. You beat JD to the poop. But not even an hour after that, your bowel perforated.
The surgeon said we had 2 options. Daddy was leaving work but I had to decide right then. We could do surgery to fix the bowel but the risk was really high. Or we could insert a drain tube in your belly to drain the toxins and let it heal on its own. Mommy chose that option. I didn't want to lose you and it sounded promising. That decision will haunt me forever. You did good for the first day but 2 days later the tube was draining blood. By then you were not stable enough for surgery. We had to wait and pray that the tube would work enough to get you able to go to surgery. On your 8th day of life, 3 days post tube, mommy went home to get some stuff. I was over an hour away when they told me your heart rate dropped and they couldn't get you back. They said you made a decision for me. They were going to talk to me that day about letting you go. They told me you didn't want me to have to make that decision. You know I wouldn't have let you go. You died on 12/15/14 at 1:39 pm.
I have never felt so sad.
I had to continue on for JD. I have tried. I miss you so much, my darling Piper. I love you more than life. I asked God to take me instead! Why couldn't I trade you places?!?
When mommy and daddy made it back to the hospital we were able to hold you, love on you, and had pictures taken. Goodbye has never been so hard. You are our angel!
We had a special urn made for you with sleeping beauty engrave onto it. It also has your name and dates of life. We cremated you. Not before I had to go identify you. Daddy was too sad and couldn't do it and mommy wanted to give you one last kiss so I went. You were so beautiful with a freckle above your right eyebrow. I kissed you and said goodbye and cried on the funeral homes floor.
Things are very hard without you. Some days I make it through the day without tears but then other days I can't stop crying. Those days happen the most. I continue for JD. He needs me to be strong. We all know you've been looking out for him.
He was taken off the ventilator on 12/31 and put on a machine where he does all the breathing...it just helps him. His lungs were so underdeveloped that he had to do steroids in order to get the breathing tube out. The steroids stunted his growth a little bit. He hit 2 lbs 5 oz last night. He is doing good but he is getting tired of breathing. He needs your help to remind him often. They are talking about putting the breathing tube back in. He doesn't need that if we can help it.
He also has a hernia. It is a really bad one. They gave him until 1/26/15 until his surgery. They said it needs repaired by then. After what happened to you, the thought of surgery and messing with bowels terrifies me. JD really needs you to get God to take care of him that day and mommy needs to feel His and your presence! I'll keep you informed on that.
Well, baby girl...I will try to keep you informed on what's going on. I need to talk to you before I go insane. I thought of writing you these letters. Maybe this will help me through life...
Love you sooooo much,
Mommy
It's been a month since God called you home. I haven't really been able to think about my feelings much. I'm ready to begin. Let me tell you how it started.
Your dad and I always wanted 2 kids. We had a lot of issues and it took a while and a lot of money. On July 14, 2014, we found out we were pregnant. Oh the absolute joy we felt! We made a bet...daddy thought it would be a boy and mommy said girl. If daddy was right, it would be a Cowboys fan and if mommy was right, a Packers fan. I bought a sleeping beauty dress for you after my first doctor appt to verify pregnancy.
We had our first ultrasound early. It was on August 4. Surprise!!! There were 2....baby A was measuring excellent but baby B was an empty sac. The doctor told us it would be a disappearing twin. He scheduled us back to confirm the following week. That is when you decided to come out of hiding. Baby B had a healthy heart beat and was measuring small because you were hiding.
In October we went for an elective ultrasound to find out what you 2 were. Baby A showed his wiener right away. His name, your brother, is Jason-Dean. Next we found out you were our baby girl. We named you Piper.
On November 29, I started cramping. They weren't painful and were so far apart that the doctor told me not to worry. That night I lost my plug. I went to the hospital right away. I was dilated at a 1 but my doctor said that it was common with twins and not to worry. They hooked me onto monitors and determined my cramps were not contractions. I was sent home.
At 12:45 am on November 30, I woke up to your brothers water breaking. My life has not and will never be the same again. I've been scared to death since! I was 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant. That is 17 weeks too early!!! Daddy drove me back to the hospital. The doctor confirmed that my water was broken and I was contracting. He gave me magnesium to stop contractions and steroids to help both of you develop your lungs. We were transferred to a much larger hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit.
Our first goal was to make it 24 hours after the first steroid shot until I could get the second. We made it. Our next goal was to make it 24 more hours to give the second steroid time to take effect. We made it. Our 3rd goal was to make it to 24 weeks where you would both stand a chance at life. We made it. Our final goal was to make it to 25 weeks for a better chance but that didn't happen. At 24 weeks and 1 day, mommy started contracting. The doctors said I had a bad infection that would kill you both so you had to come out. Mommy went for a csection. JD was born 12/7/14 at 10:55 and you at 10:57 am. JD was 1 lb 8 oz and you were 1 lb 6 oz. you came out crying and it was a sound I will always cherish!
They told us not to expect JD to make it...you had a better chance. He lived without his water for a week and also had the bad infection that mommy had. Plus boys don't do as well...they told mommy not to expect him to make it the night. He made it. You were both doing so well! Mommy couldn't see you very much because I kept getting fevers and had to stay away. My fever was finally gone when you both hit 5 days old. I got to change your first poopy diaper. You beat JD to the poop. But not even an hour after that, your bowel perforated.
The surgeon said we had 2 options. Daddy was leaving work but I had to decide right then. We could do surgery to fix the bowel but the risk was really high. Or we could insert a drain tube in your belly to drain the toxins and let it heal on its own. Mommy chose that option. I didn't want to lose you and it sounded promising. That decision will haunt me forever. You did good for the first day but 2 days later the tube was draining blood. By then you were not stable enough for surgery. We had to wait and pray that the tube would work enough to get you able to go to surgery. On your 8th day of life, 3 days post tube, mommy went home to get some stuff. I was over an hour away when they told me your heart rate dropped and they couldn't get you back. They said you made a decision for me. They were going to talk to me that day about letting you go. They told me you didn't want me to have to make that decision. You know I wouldn't have let you go. You died on 12/15/14 at 1:39 pm.
I have never felt so sad.
I had to continue on for JD. I have tried. I miss you so much, my darling Piper. I love you more than life. I asked God to take me instead! Why couldn't I trade you places?!?
When mommy and daddy made it back to the hospital we were able to hold you, love on you, and had pictures taken. Goodbye has never been so hard. You are our angel!
We had a special urn made for you with sleeping beauty engrave onto it. It also has your name and dates of life. We cremated you. Not before I had to go identify you. Daddy was too sad and couldn't do it and mommy wanted to give you one last kiss so I went. You were so beautiful with a freckle above your right eyebrow. I kissed you and said goodbye and cried on the funeral homes floor.
Things are very hard without you. Some days I make it through the day without tears but then other days I can't stop crying. Those days happen the most. I continue for JD. He needs me to be strong. We all know you've been looking out for him.
He was taken off the ventilator on 12/31 and put on a machine where he does all the breathing...it just helps him. His lungs were so underdeveloped that he had to do steroids in order to get the breathing tube out. The steroids stunted his growth a little bit. He hit 2 lbs 5 oz last night. He is doing good but he is getting tired of breathing. He needs your help to remind him often. They are talking about putting the breathing tube back in. He doesn't need that if we can help it.
He also has a hernia. It is a really bad one. They gave him until 1/26/15 until his surgery. They said it needs repaired by then. After what happened to you, the thought of surgery and messing with bowels terrifies me. JD really needs you to get God to take care of him that day and mommy needs to feel His and your presence! I'll keep you informed on that.
Well, baby girl...I will try to keep you informed on what's going on. I need to talk to you before I go insane. I thought of writing you these letters. Maybe this will help me through life...
Love you sooooo much,
Mommy
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